Some Things You Can't Go Back To
by mryddinwilt
Summary: The fairy saw too much for her own good."I don't understand, Hook. If you love her then you should go to her." He took another drink. "I promised Bae I would get out of the way." She shook her head so hard her bun bounces back and forth. "That's ridiculous. You are just giving up?" S3 Canon Divergence. If Pan never came to Storybrooke what would happen with Emma, Neal and Hook.


Emma climbs out of David's truck into the crisp Autumn air and looks at Granny's with wary eyes. She can see Neal sitting in a booth through the window and panic pulses through her. David wanted her to seize the moment but she wasn't sure she wanted to seize moments with Neal. She gives David a nervous glance and for the first time wishes that he and Mary-Margaret had heard her secret in that stupid cave. Maybe if they knew what she had said they wouldn't keep pushing her toward Neal. David's hand falls on her shoulder and she thinks he is about to give her a literal push. She gives him a nod and goes inside.

It's not horrible.

Neal is excited and nervous, his leg jumping up and down under the table as they make conversation. They steer clear of sensitive topics; no talk of fiancés, their past, their feelings, or their future. They talk about the food, the weather, the absurdities of living in a cursed town, and Henry. She remembers how funny he is as she laughs at his joke about cursed occupations. He grins back and she feels her stomach flip. She notices then that his laugh lines have grown deeper in their time apart. She hadn't had much to laugh about before Henry showed up at her door. What had he found to laugh about in that decade? She opens her mouth to ask but the question feels bitter on her tongue so she takes a sip of her hot chocolate and tries to think of an easier question. Neal saves her the trouble by launching into a story about showing Leroy his iPhone.

When they finally say goodbye Emma is smiling and glad that she came. Neal asks about spending time with Henry and she finds herself inviting him to dinner on Friday. The smile he gives her feels like Spring sunshine and for a moment she is 17 again and hopelessly in love for the first time. She closes her eyes and lets him hug her.

The feeling lasts until she she walks out of Granny's and sees Hook or more accurately Hook and Tinkerbell, walking down the sidewalk arm-in-arm heading to The Rabbit Hole. Emma's stomach drops and her heart twists at the sight. She spins and walks in the opposite direction her good mood evaporating like an ice cube on a Summer sidewalk. She grips the swan pendant at her neck and reminds herself that she shouldn't have expected a pirate to keep his promises. As her boots clip against the pavement she tells herself that she doesn't care who Hook spends time with. By the time she pushes open the door to the station she has decided that no matter how many smirks or innuendos he uses she won't flirt back, she will be as cold as a Winter's evening. She will be indifferent to him and he can go have that fun he promised with someone else.

But Emma never gets a chance to give Hook the cold shoulder because the next day his ship is gone from the harbor.

Neal comes by the station that afternoon and Emma, despite her best intentions, finds herself asking him where the pirate went.

Neal rubs the back of his head in a familiar nervous gesture. "He said Smee had some trading scheme and he wanted to explore the coast or something. That he couldn't hang around Storybrooke." It's not a lie and yet Emma's feels like it isn't the whole truth either. Neal shrugs. "He's a pirate what did you expect?"

Emma sighs and looks away. "Nothing. I didn't expect anything." She is glad Neal doesn't have her talent at detecting lies.

That night, alone in the dark of her bedroom, she thinks of Hook, his infectious smile, his witty one-liners, his eyebrows that seem to have a mind of their own, and his earnest eyes. She thinks of his lips against hers, the heat of his breath on her cheek and his hand at her hip. She thinks of his confession in the cave and his promise to win her heart. She turns them all over in her mind and then she wipes away her tears and locks them away where they won't hurt her anymore.

* * *

The wind is sharp and ice cold as the Jolly Roger enters Storybrooke harbor. Killian let out a puff of air and watches as the wind whisks the small cloud away. He can feel a storm brewing and knows that if they make port they will likely be stuck in the town for several days, weeks even if the tales his cursed sailors told of the harsh Maine winters were true. He sighs at the thought.

For the past five weeks he has done his best to avoid Storybrooke, only stopping for a day to replenish supplies and off-load the deliveries for the townspeople. It turns out that the citizens of Storybrooke, unable to leave the town themselves, are willing to pay handsomely for all manner of strange goods. The whole operation was Smee's idea. They recruited a small Lost Boy crew and Smee does most of the finding and collecting of items while Killian wanders around the strange cities and distracts himself with wonders of a new realm. But no matter how hard he tries Emma always invades his thoughts, not a day goes by that he doesn't think of her.

He tries not to think of the last time he saw her, wrapped in Baelfire's arms with a warm, wide smile on her face. Even after almost two months the image still pains him. At the time Tinkerbell had gently pulled him away and taken him to the local tavern to ply him with drink and impertinent questions.

The fairy saw too much for her own damn good.

"I don't understand, Hook. If you love her then you should go to her."

He took another drink. "I promised Bae I would get out of the way."

She shook her head so hard her bun bounces back and forth and a few hairs fall out. "That's ridiculous. You are just giving up?"

"No! I am letting them have a chance. If Bae is her happy ending…I won't stand in the way of that."

Her eyes grow wide but her next words are cut short by the arrival of Smee and his proposal for turning the Jolly into a trading vessel. Killian agrees almost immediately. He wants to to give Bae a chance but staying in town, watching Bae court Emma, watching them be happy, he wasn't a big enough man to do that. Although he wasn't sure the alternative, not seeing Emma at all, was any better. Being on the sea and occupied helped but although the Jolly was his home his heart now resided in Storybrooke.

The storm hits that night. The wind howling, the rain lashing at the deck, the ocean heaving even in the deep harbor. They had battened down all the hatches, secured the rigging and the sails, but the way the wood was groaning pulls Killian from his bed and on to the deck.

The rain drenches him immediately, soaking through his black shirt, he curses himself for not donning his leather coat. The wind pushes and pulls at him as he checks the ship. He approaches the mast; it is tipping side to side but it isn't in any danger. He turns away and looks out over the town. The glaring electric street lights aren't working and Killian stares out into the unfamiliar dark. The night is suddenly pierced by twin headlights moving very fast down the main street. Despite the downpour Killian watches as the lights stop a few blocks away. Lightning illuminates the world for a split second. Killian sees Emma's yellow vessel, Emma climbing out of the car, and a man running from her towards the boathouse. Then the world goes dark again.

Killian runs down the gangplank and heads towards the back of the boathouse, thinking to cut off whoever she is chasing. The rain and wind pierce him as he pumps his legs as fast as he can. He opens the door and it hits something solid. There is a muffled groan and Killian springs inside ready for a fight only to find Emma on the other side.

"Swan!" he cries.

"What the hell you doing here?" She yells rubbing at her temple.

He has no ready answer and if he did he would have forgotten it. He is transfixed by the sight of her and the ache it brings to his chest. In the dim light of a glowing exit sign he can see her jeans and red leather jacket, her golden hair is pulled back in a dripping pony tail and she looks more beautiful than a Princess at a ball. His hand reaches up to stroke her cheek, they are close enough to touch, but he remembers himself and drops it back to his side.

She lets out a growl of frustration and steps away from him. She goes to the edge of the platform and grabs a large black brick from her belt.

"David." she calls into it as she looks into the black water.

"Here Emma." the Prince's voice comes from the box.

"I lost him. Must have jumped into the ocean."

With Emma's attention focused away from him Killian regains his bearings. He follows her to the edge and looks at the stretch of water taking up half of the boat house but sees no sign of the man Emma was chasing. Lightning illuminates the space followed quickly by a boom of thunder and Killian realizes the weather might not be entirely natural.

"Okay. Well just come back home. This storm is getting worse." Killian can hear the concern in David's voice.

"Right. See you in a bit." Emma replaces the box, a radio Killian recalls, on her waist.

"Trouble with a merman?" He asks from behind her. She jumps away as if scalded and looses her balance at the edge. Killian leaps forward deftly catching the back of her belt with his hook and tugging her away from the water. She spins and stumbles into him.

Her hands clutch at his chest and the damp shirt clinging there as his arm wraps around her back. For a split second they embrace and then she pushes away only to be brought up short by Killian's hook still in her belt. In frustration she reaches behind her and yanks at it but can't work it loose.

"Allow me, love," he says and steps closer. His arms wrap around her as his hand reaches to extract the hook. He feels the warmth of her body and the pounding of her heart. Her breath ghosts across his neck and he breathes her in. He feels her shaking and wonders if it's from his nearness, cold from the storm, or anger at almost falling.

"How did you know it was a merman?" She asks in a low voice.

"You said he went in the water plus the storm." He shrugs. He frees the hook and takes a small step back, loath to part from the warmth of her.

"Right, of course, cause that makes sense." There was something biting and sad in her voice. He furrows his brow and tries to see her eyes in the dim light.

"Don't be vexed. You will capture him, Swan." His tone is reassuring but she steps back as if yanked by an invisible string.

"Spare me the pep talk Hook. This isn't Neverland. I don't need you."

"Emma," he begins, stunned by her anger, but she cuts him off.

"Just go back to your ship pirate and stay the hell out of my way." She turns and stalks away.

He nods though she can't see him. "As you wish."

He doesn't think she hears him.

* * *

She hears him. She almost goes back and punches him in the face for saying it but she doesn't want to get near him again. Her body reacts too strongly to his, makes her forget how much she hates him. He was soaking wet, eyeliner smudged darkly, shirt sticking to him, and hair plastered to his forehead and still looked like the cover of a supermarket romance novel. Her lips had tingled with the urge to kiss him.

Then he figured out their merman dilemma as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. When they had spent the last two weeks wondering about the weird storms and strange newcomer that kept disappearing whenever they ran him down to the docks. That was almost as frustrating as his attempt at building her confidence and the broken look on his face when she spat back "I don't need you."

Emma fumes all the way home to the small, pale blue, cottage she shares with Henry-they had only moved in a few weeks ago but it already felt like home. Despite her new mattress and comfy sheets she barely sleeps, she blames the storm and the sound of the ocean crashing against the nearby beach.

 _ **David: Got the storm damage under control. Nothing major.**_

The text message greets her as she climbs out of her early shower along with two voice messages. Emma shoots David a thanks and checks her voicemail.

"Sheriff this is Belle. I have some new information on mermaids that might be helpful. I'll be at the library all day so you can just stop by." Emma nods to herself and plays the next message.

"Hey Ems. Just wanted to talk to you about New York. Call me back."

She tosses the phone on the bed and groans. She doesn't want to talk to Neal about Henry spending the summer in New York with him. She doesn't even want to think about it which is hard when both Neal and Henry keep bringing it up. She understands that he wants to spend time with his son but she wishes he had talked to her before telling Henry about the idea. She didn't blame him for leaving, not this time at least. There weren't a lot of job openings in a cursed town and she knew his relationship with his father was complicated plus things between them were a little awkward.

It had started out pretty good, just like the first time. They would laugh and talk and enjoy spending time alone together or with Henry. Emma managed to push away the questions she wanted answered and focus on the good moments like David had told her. It worked for awhile but the frustration and resentment didn't disappear because she ignored it. She started to make sarcastic comments that would bring Neal up short. He would frown and she felt like a horrible person for disrupting what was supposed to be a fun and happy time.

It all came to a head when David and Mary-Margaret invited them on a double-date.

It starts out a little awkward but mostly fun but as the night progresses Emma finds herself unable to share in the laughter. Neal seems totally at ease as he recounts stories of Neverland and life in "this realm". Her parents grin and sip at their wine, their approval of Neal written all over their face. It makes Emma sick to her stomach and she wants the dessert to arrive so the evening can finally end.

"And that's when I realized it was time to leave Canada." Neal finishes his story with a short laugh that is echoed by her parents. Emma misses the punchline because she is remembering how after prison she had gone to Canada searching for him; determined to let him know that somewhere in the world he had a son. She hadn't found him but she had discovered she was good at finding other people.

"Why were you even in Canada?" David asks with a wide innocent grin.

Neal's face sobers. "Well because of the watches." He glances at Emma and she feels her jaw twitching as she balls her hands up under the table.

"Watches?" Mary-Margaret looks between the two of them with a furrow in her brow. Emma knows she doesn't mean to pry but it feels like she is ripping off the lid on something that had been buried and hidden for a decade. She wants to change the subject and keep it all buried but Neal starts speaking.

"Yeah the watches that…"

Suddenly she doesn't want to hear Neal's version of the story and everything she has been shoving down comes bubbling up.

"Oh let me tell it. It's a funny story! " She forces a laugh that causes her parents eyebrows to shoot up. "Before I met him Neal stole a bunch of watches and got caught on video tape. He wanted to run to Canada but I convinced him to sell the watches first." Emma knows her voice is rising in pitch and she is talking too fast but the words are bursting forth like a geyser and she is powerless to stop them. Everyone is looking at her in shocked silence. "I went to the train station and got them from the locker he had stashed them in. He was going to fence them and we were going to go to Canada together and find Tallahasse. But then, and correct me if I'm wrong," she turns her focus on Neal. He is giving her his wounded puppy look but instead of making her sympathetic it makes her angry. "But before you could meet me August showed up and convinced you it was better to let me go to jail because I had a destiny to fulfill. So you turned me in and went to Canada. Where you, apparently, had a lot of fun."

She stops and in the silence she can feel her heart racing and that strange thrum in her bones that comes from magic. Her parents are having a conversation with their eyes while Neal reaches for her hand. She yanks it out of reach.

"Em don't be like this." he looks over at her parents "That was a long time ago and this isn't really the time or place…"

Emma opens her mouth but David beats her too it.

"Neal. Emma is clearly upset and I think it would be best if you left right now." He speaks with barely contained anger that Emma has never heard and she looks at him in surprise. Neal looks around the table and nods.

"Yeah. I think that's a good idea." He got up slowly and left, his head hanging and shoulders slumped. When he leaves Emma feels the anger drain away and she feels suddenly embarrassed about her outburst.

"Sorry I ruined the night."

David's hand shoots across the table and grabs hers. He squeezes it and tears prick her eyes. "No. We are sorry. Emma if we had known how you felt, what he did…" he trails off and Mary-Margaret picks up the apology.

"We never would have pushed you toward him. We only want you to be happy Emma." Her hand joins David's and Emma doesn't bother to hold back the tears.

The next day she talks to Neal. The conversation is long and painful but in the end she tells him that she can't be with him. He begs for another chance, wants to let Emma ask all the questions she has suppressed, to get everything out in the open. But Emma doesn't want to dig through her past, to get covered in the dirt and mess of it; she wants to move forward.

"We can be friends Neal but I don't think I could ever trust you with my heart again." Her hand caresses her swan pendant and his eyes follow it for a long moment. He doesn't speak only nods and walks away.

After that things had been strained and when he had announced his return to New York she had been relieved. In the weeks since his departure Storybrooke had felt more like home. A home she was now fiercely protective of she reminded herself as she pulled open the library doors to reveal Belle sitting at the circulation desk.

"Emma!" she calls brightly and stands "That was quick."

Emma shrugs "I was on my way to the station."

"Right. Well here is the information that I have." She pulls out a few sheets of paper and hands it to her. Emma glances at it noting the flowing script that was quite different from the librarian's neat penmanship.

"What am I looking at?"

"It's a detailed write-up on mermen. I have highlighted what I think is the most important information."

Emma nods. "Okay great! But you said that there was no practical information on mermen in the books. That they are a big mystery. And Ariel would be the only reliable source of information." Emma wishes again that the red-headed mermaid hadn't gone home to visit family just as she was needed.

"Oh they are a mystery but it turns out Killian knows a lot about them and when I asked he was happy to write it all down."

"Killian? You mean Hook?" Emma looks at the flowing handwriting and the papers feel hot in her hands.

"Yes. He made port last night and when he came by to return his books he asked about the merman."

Emma's mind reels. Hook checks out books at the library? He is on a first name basis with Belle?

"Hook reads?" she manages to say.

"Oh yes! He is voracious. He almost keeps up with me! He and Smee brought me two cases of new books with their last shipment. And we are going to start up a book club next month." Belle seems so pleased and happy that Emma shakes her head.

"He shot you!" she blurts out.

Belle takes a step back and looks at Emma, a strange spark in her eye. "Yes. And he has apologized several times. He and Rumple have made a kind of peace and he helped you save Henry. He isn't even a pirate anymore and I for one won't hold his past sins against him."

The way she speaks feels like an indictment and a challenge but Emma isn't in the mood to untangle this weird turn of events. She just stares at Belle for a moment and then steps away.

"Okay. Well. Thanks for this I'll read over the stuff you have highlighted." She shakes the papers and then makes a hasty retreat.

* * *

 _"A merman mates for life. If they lose their mate through accident or villainy they will not take another. It is not uncommon for a merman to spend the rest of their life trying to exact retribution for the loss of their mate. Even crossing realms to accomplish their goal."_

Emma shakes her head at the highlighted passage. It sounded like Hook was describing himself. A little voice in her head said that Hook was different, he had confessed that his heart had moved on from Milah but she silenced it quickly. In the margin Belle had written "possible revenge motive?" and Emma found herself agreeing with her. The merman had shown up shortly after Ariel had left and brought news of Storybrooke and it's resident's to her underwater kingdom. A merman with a grudge must have come over in search of the person that killed his mate, but who? Emma spent the morning trying to tease out the answer from all the information that they had. It was a good exercise that almost kept her from thinking of Hook and Belle and their friendship and feeling jealous, almost.

"Oh did you have a break through on the case." David's voice startles her from her thoughts and perusal of the paperworks strewn across two desks.

"Belle called this morning. Hook gave her information on mermen." she gestures to the papers.

"Funny he didn't mention anything to me." David picks up the pages.

Emma turns with wide eyes. "He didn't what? When did you see Hook?"

"This afternoon when we were sparring." David doesn't look up from the papers.

"You spar with Hook?" She winces at the accusation in her tone.

David looks up with his eyebrows raised. "Yes. Whenever he is in town we do a little sparring in the park. Is that a problem?"

Emma flushes and looks away. "No. Do what you want. It doesn't matter to me."

She can feel David's eyes on her but he doesn't say another word about it and Emma is happy the subject is dropped.

But she can't help but think about it. She hasn't even seen Hook since the day she saw him wrapped around Tinkerbell. She assumed he was shunning the entire town but now she realizes that it was only her he was avoiding. He was friendly with Belle, David, probably Granny and the dwarves too. He was, apparently, willing to have "fun" with everyone but her. The thought tore at her and she fought back with anger and all the reasons why she didn't care about Captain Hook.

* * *

"And think of all the museums and educational opportunities in New York."

Emma sighs Neal has been talking up New York City for several minutes now and she doesn't have the strength to keep arguing.

"Neal I am sure he would have a great time and I want you guys to spend time together but the entire summer? When will I see him? It takes hours to drive up there and I don't have the money to fly every weekend." Emma rubs at her temples. She is trying to patient, despite her black mood and sleep deprivation.

"Just get Hook to take you." She can practically hear the shrug in his voice.

"What?" She chokes out.

"The Jolly Roger is incredibly fast. You could probably even come up for quick day trips."

"I am not about to ask Hook to ferry me back and forth all summer."

"Why not? It's like he would mind spending time with you." There is a knowing tone to his voice and Emma hates it.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh come on Ems. You don't have to spare my feelings. I know the minute I left Killian was all over you."

Her heart does a weird flip and her cheeks flush. She doesn't want to admit to Neal that Hook lost interest, that he avoids her like the plague, that once again she hadn't been enough.

"Neal…" she starts.

"Emma really it's fine. He gave me my chance, got out of the way so we could try and make a go of it. I just hope he makes you happy."

She is too stunned to reply and Neal has to run before she can ask him to explain what the hell he is talking about. She stands there in the kitchen the phone gripped tightly in her hand for several minutes before she turns for the door.

She is going to get an explanation.

* * *

Hook sits at his desk a book propped open before him. He has been trying to read it all evening but the words fail to penetrate his swirling thoughts. He hadn't meant to run into Tinkerbell. He made an effort to avoid her at every turn. But after his sparring session with David she had cornered him near a tree.

"My Lady Bell to what do I owe the pleasure?" He smiles wide to mask his annoyance.

She rolls her eyes. "Cut the crap Hook." He lets his smile drop and she continues. "Have you talked to Emma?"

He sighs. "I refuse to discuss this topic with you again." He moves to step away but she puts a hand to his chest.

"Baelfire is gone."

His eyebrow jumps. "What?"

"You seriously don't know?" At his exasperated look she continues. "Well I talked to Regina and she told me that he has been gone for weeks, back to New York. Henry was really disappointed to see him go but says Emma is happier now so it's probably for the best."

Tinkerbell looks at him as he processes the earth shattering information. "Well? You gave him his chance and they didn't work out. Now what are you going to do pirate?"

He shakes his head. "None of your damn business fairy."

He had spent the rest of the day contemplating his course of action. Any other day and he would have gone straight to Emma and renewed his offer of fun. But she had told him to stay away from her, had been so angry and so adamant. So instead he had locked himself in his cabin and attempted to banish her from his mind with rum and the latest book Belle had recommended. But it hadn't worked. He just kept replaying the feel of her against him, the flash of anger in her eyes, and her breath hot on his neck. It was a mistake to back away, he saw that now. He should have stayed, should have fought for her.

"A man unwilling to fight for what he wants…" he murmurs before taking another swig of rum.

From above he hears quick steps on the gangplank.

"Hook!" Emma's voice calls out and he jumps, spilling rum on Belle's book.

"Damn!" he curses and tries to mop up the stain. Emma's footsteps sound louder and he knows she is descending below decks.

"Hook! I know you're here," she calls again and he can almost feel her anger.

He strides to the door and yanks it open just as she reaches it. She pulls up just short of running into him. She looks him over. He does the same. He notes the absence of her leather jacket despite the chilly weather and wonders if she is cold. When their eyes meet hers are full of fire and he feels his body burn under her gaze.

He sways toward her. "Swan–"

She pushes him roughly away and he stumbles into the table.

"Just stay there. I need to be able to think" Her voice is breathy and he realizes she wants to touch him as badly as he wants to touch her.

He smirks at her, he can't help it, he can't remember the last time he felt so much pure hope. Bae was out of the picture and if she was here then surely he still has a chance.

Her eyes narrow and she seems to regain the anger she entered with. "I am going to ask you some questions and you better not lie to me."

He nods solemnly, suppressing his smile.

"Did you tell Neal you would back off from me?"

He sits up straighter. "Aye. For the sake of the boy. Give him the chance to have his parents together."

She nods, short and jerky. "And why did you leave Storybrooke?"

He cocks his head studying her, surprised at the way her voice wavered on the last two words. Her arms wrap around her body as she waits for his answer and he sees the look of the Lost Boys in her eyes. The answer to this question is important to her and he is done hiding, Bae has had his chance it was time to take his.

Killian takes a deep breath. "I left Storybrooke because I couldn't bear the thought of seeing you with Bae. I hoped distance would help me be reconciled to your choice," he looks into her eyes. "I wanted to be a better man for you, to let you be happy with another. But I am still a pirate at heart Emma and I couldn't watch you love another."

Her eyelashes flutter but her jaw clenches. "I never made a choice. You fell into the arms of Tinkerbell and then disappeared before I got a chance to make a choice." Her voice begins to rise. "You decided for me. Just like Neal did. He decided to leave me for my own good and so did you and you both broke my heart and my trust."

Her eyes shine with unshed tears and she averts her gaze to the wooden floor. Killian's eyebrows shoot up and he steps forward; wanting to ease the pain he had caused.

"I didn't think—" he swallows drily "I thought you would be glad to be rid of me, lass. I thought I was doing the heroic thing, the noble thing."

"You were doing the stupid thing," she mutters and he lets out a sharp laugh.

"Oh aye."

She refuses to meet his eye and he can see suddenly how badly he had erred. He had become just one more person to abandon her. Worse, against all odds, she had felt something for him, something fragile that he had crushed by his stupidity. He steps closer and tentatively brings his palm to her cheek. His thumb wipes at her tears and slowly he raises her chin up so she can meet his eyes.

"I am sorry, love. I should not have presumed to know your heart. I was blinded by my own jealousy and insecurities." He pauses and licks his lips; she watches him. "I swear to you I won't leave you again unless you wish it."

She shakes her head and steps sideways, his hand falls away. "You can't just make a promise and expect me to trust you again. It's not that easy."

"Oh Swan, I never expect anything to be easy with you." He wiggles his eyebrow and she cracks a ghost of a smile.

"Good."

With one word she gives him hope and a promise of a future; together.

Author's Note: As always thanks for reading! All fanfic comes with a price! So leave a review for yours ;)


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